Its not my crime, its me

I committed a crime
For which I was not punished.

I have loved
Rejected love
And got rejected
Many times
Both cases I tried my best
I moved on.

But how do I move on
From a crime.

I hate it true
But mostly I am afraid
Afraid for the moments
When I enjoyed it.
I fear the moments
When I think of it
And do not squirm
Excited with hot blood
I dream of more pervert ways
The crime could have gone.

The victim atleast says, have forgiven me
But how do I forget when I get to sleep,criminal criminal criminal.

My conscience
There is no longer any such word
I can not respect me enough
To have a ‘conscience’
Or a proud sleep.
I am a monster who stares at me
I haven’t satisfied him with my remorse
Nor with my fear
Nor with my strength.

I dont want to be abandoned by me.

When I was younger
My mother used to tell
You cannot lie to the earth
For she has mothered you
Nor to the air
For it is your partner
Nor to the sky
For it is beyond
Only to time you can lie
For it is yourself.

I have lied to all but time
I could not lie to myself.

I have loved again
Rejected love
And been rejected, many times
After I crimed,
But I could never live those loves
For I knew
Each love in me a monster hides
And the monster loose would crime again
I might crime again
Thus each love I loved
Was lost in time, broken time, sleepless time.

I love now and lose my love in myself
I have crimed
Mother, partner, beyond can help me-
No more.

I still live my life
I still laugh, joke, enjoy
I still look at mirror
And can look for long
I still hope, still hope.

Only when
When love looks at me
And says nothing
I have no redemption
No escape.
As a child born
As a criminal I shall fall for death
My last love
As I leave my love for life behind
But she will know, she already knows

A criminal has to fall for death
As he lusts for life.

5 thoughts on “Its not my crime, its me

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